i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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