I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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