I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
