A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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