While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
there is puke in my bra ... again
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