And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
