I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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