just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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