I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
