i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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