theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
