There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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