he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he fucked my hip out of place.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
