fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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