my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
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i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
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This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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