Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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