please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize