note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
