Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
