all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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