I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
