I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
foreskin is a definite game changer
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
