garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it's like iHOP with fire
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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