Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.