Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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