If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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