i just sent this text using only my big toe
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
