You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
