He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You may now shotgun with the bride
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
