I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
