There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
