So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm passing your future prison.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
