I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
