On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i think my tv is drunk
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
