dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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