my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
