thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
