Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I FOUND THE LEGS
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
