I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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