I accidentally burped into my bong.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Text me some of your sweat
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize