I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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