just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
