I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
