If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
