I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
