I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
