Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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