I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
