never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
