Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
