Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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