p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
