and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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