I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
