Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
