I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
