I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
