Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
