I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
