He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
